It’s Labor Day weekend, and I’m in Erie, PA. I spent a cold and stressful week here last winter, in the lead-up to the nine-day strike by UE Locals 506 and 618, and thought that Erie in the summer, without a strike looming, would make a nice weekend getaway after the UE convention that just concluded on Thursday. And Labor Day weekend seems like a good time for reflection for someone whose life has been largely defined by the labor movement and the academic school year, so I’m writing an essay about certain aspects of the past year.
It’s been a somewhat difficult one. I’ve struggled with depression on and off since adolescence (at least), but this past year has been qualitatively different. For a variety of personal and professional reasons that I don’t really want to go into publicly, I’ve stopped, well, hoping for better. I have a pretty good life, a meaningful job that I (mostly) enjoy, I’m in good physical health, my kids are doing great. For the most part, the last year has been free of the kind of crushing lows that I used to be subject to, and I haven’t experienced intense suicidal ideation since, well, Labor Day weekend of last year. (Note/disclaimer: I’m okay, I’m not going to kill myself, I know how to deal with suicidal ideation and have been for years, etc.)
Given all that, it didn’t seem to me like I would need, well, hope, per se. And yet, it has been a strange and difficult year. The weirdest thing about giving up hope is that it creates (at least for me) a sort of dissociative disconnect between my intellect and my emotions, especially the part of the emotional brain responsible for motivation. Because of course I haven’t really given up “hope” in the broader sense — I can look around me and see that while some things about our current moment are objectively terrible (the looming threat of climate change, rising white-supremacist violence), others are objectively better than they have been at any other point in my lifetime (increased working-class militance, the growing Left pole in U.S. politics). I “know” that there’s hope (and that even if there isn’t, I and everyone else would be better off acting as if there is) — I just don’t feel it. Continue reading →